Daemon Inside Me
Elizabeth Jetton
Have you ever looked up at the sky
Saw a dark fleet of cloud rolling by
And suddenly your heart is filled with impending doom
And you realize life is your eternal tomb
For years I too felt this way
Got up in the morning, brushed my teeth, got ready for the day
I saw the destruction coming, but couldn’t get out of the way
Flash frozen in the internal Pompeii
You see I struggle with the Daemon called mental illness
Psychotic delusions, mania, depressed
I wore a mask to hide my shame
Tattooed with a number, I gave up my name
This was a battle I fought all along
I tread through my psyche unforgiving and overgrown
No call for back up, no charging cavalry
I was the Hannibal in my battle for Sanity
Understand it wasn’t that I didn’t need help
My voice had been stolen, I was left with not even a yelp
Everyday I fought a battle no one could see
I wasn’t embarrassed of asking for help, I was embarrassed of me
So you see I had no choice but to struggle in silence
That demon I suppressed with self-reliance
I was so afraid of how others would look at me
That was before I found this thing called Recovery
Now I realize the problem wasn’t me
The ones who should be embarrassed is society
I needed help, I was thrown the book
I cried out I reciprocated dirty looks
I was never ill, I can just in an unwell place,
We need to wrap those who are struggling with compassion, not disgrace
With words like crazy, insane, deranged
The thought that someone would find recovery is actually quite strange
So play along with me for a minute or two
Altogether, let’s try something new
Look at around you and show me the man
Show me the one who cannot understand
Understand how it feels to not want to live
To have absolutely nothing else to give
The feeling like you don’t even have one friend
To not know when you’re deadly suffering will end
To feel so tired all you can do is lie in bed
Like a ceiling fan is just hit, hit, hitting you in the head
To be in crowd full of people yet to feel so along
Like you’re breathing under water with muscle of stone
Like your alien who is just wearing your skin
Like leaving your house in deadly sin
The feeling like you can no longer go on
Show me that man,
And I’ll show you how all that made me strong
So don’t look at me with pity
Don’t look at me with fear
Together in this place, today, we can start something new here
Don’t expect me to feel any shame
Because before I had a diagnosis, I went by my name
My name is Elizabeth