Since only rich kids can afford to go to college these days, as a public service I recently advised college-age youth of the educational opportunities that are available to them through the federal prison system, where they can learn the skills that they will need to survive the future in this Brave New World Order.
…but then—suddenly—I realized that we must think of the children!
Thus, in my dedication to public service and in the cause of educating the kids, I am proud to announce the first airing of a new feature that will be aimed at the little people!
Yes, Kids! (And kids!) I feel that children should be prepared for the actual world that they will actually be facing—and thus I feel that kids are never too young to learn about things like genocidal slaughter and corruption and drugs!
And I’m here to tell you, kids: You need to immediately forget nearly everything that they taught you in school and just listen to old Uncle Dana as he tells you how the world really works!
This is a segment I am calling…
(Start Sesame Street theme song, bright bouncy and happy…)
Poppy Seed Street!
I’ve been in a hazy Daze!
Been climbing up the walls all day!
And so now I’m on my way!
To where the drugs are cheap!
Can you tell me how to get,
How to get to Poppy Seed Street?
[Yeah, Dude, I can hook you up! Wha cha need?]
[Yay!]
Cause when I’m smoking crack all day!
then everything is A-OK !
I have got a psycho neighbor there!
And that’s where we meet!
Can you tell me how to get,
How to get to Poppy Seed Street?
[You got my money, punk? I’m gonna mess you up!]
[Hey Dude, chill out! Don’t you see…]
We’re puking on their magic carpet ride!
And every jail cell will open wide!
For strung out people like you!
And strung-out people like…
Ooohh, what a wasted…
[Full chorus gleefully joins in…]
Hazy Daze!
Been climbing up the walls all day!
And so now I’m on my way!
To where the drugs are cheap!
Can you tell me how to get,
How to get to Poppy Seed Street…
How to get to Poppy Seed Street!
[hey man, I’m hurting bad here and I really need to get to Poppy Seed Street! Can you please help me out?]
[You got my money, bee-atch? We ain’t playin no Sesame Street games here, you in da Poppy Seed Street hood now punk!]
[Several gunshots… then silence…]
Poppy Seed Street: Lesson One
Hi, kids! Welcome to Poppy Seed Street!
Our first lesson is about capitalism! Can you say capitalism?
Now capitalism is the system under which we live, kids, and so it is very important that you learn the rules, so pay attention today, okay?
Capitalism’s most notable characteristic is that it is a parasite that consumes its host. Capitalism is made of predators and prey; or you might want to call them winners and losers. The winners get to own more than a thousand families could possibly spend in a thousand lifetimes and they get to live in decadent luxury while the losers are lucky if they can feed their children and they often live in poisonous crime-ridden hell-holes; thus, as long as capitalism reigns you definitely want to be a winner rather than a loser—but the reality is that every predator needs lots and lots of prey and so I am afraid that there are lots and lots of losers and there are not very many winners at all, so you need to take measures, kids!
Now, the best way to be a winner is to be born into a wealthy white family; but as our current president demonstrates, there have been many cases of people rising from the bottom to achieve the pinnacle of success! It simply requires a level of ambition that indicates serious psychological derangement and a willingness to sell your soul to the Devil!
See? It’s easy, kids! Who needs a soul anyway? Souls are for losers.
Now, kids, those who rise to the ‘top’ of the heap are those who are the most ruthless and cutthroat and so I am afraid that nice people don’t fare so well here; thus you really need to forget all those things they taught you in kindergarten about playing fair and sharing and not slicing people’s throats open because all of that being nice stuff is just for the losers.
Now, the game is completely rigged so the only way to get to the top is to gather up lots and lots of people and then kill all of them and take all of their stuff. I know that this sounds like a lot of trouble and bother and maybe it’s not very nice but under the rules of capitalism that’s just what you gotta do if you want to compete successfully with your rival predators and be a winner, so always remember capitalism’s golden rule: Always watch out for #1.
Another requirement for climbing to the top of the heap and ‘winning the game’ (whatever that means) is that you must also become very very rich! In order to become very very rich you will need to steal lots and lots of money—but you must be very careful, kids, because if you don’t steal enough money then you might go to jail!
Now, kids, the trick here is to steal enough money to buy yourself a government! Then you can steal to your heart’s content with no fear of suffering anything as distasteful as being arrested! Plus, when you own a government then even if you lose all your money then you can get your pet government to make the losers pay for that too!
See? When you own the game then the rules are heads you win and tails everyone else loses!
You can’t beat it! Literally!
Yet another way for someone to get very very rich very very quickly is to buy lots and lots of those pretty poppy flowers!
That, in fact, is why I called this segment Poppy Seed Street!)
Yes, Kids! Thanks to the ingenious War on Drugs, illicit drugs have become the biggest and baddest business on the whole entire world! And this little innocent pretty easy-to-grow flower can be processed into some of the most popular illicit drugs there are—and then you can make a fortune!
That’s all for this month kids, but don’t be sad! You can pick up next month’s issue in which we will learn how to corrupt Third World governments and how to assassinate labor leaders!
Yipppeee!
Won’t you be my neighbor?
Dana Walker spent 28 years traveling in North America, 6 years in federal prison (ostensibly for marijuana; in actuality for refusing to sell his friends to the feds), and 3 1/2 years in Olympia hurling verbal barrages of sarcasm at the Machine. He’s currently a Real Change vendor and a caretaker at Media Island. He is also the author of numerous novels and a radical bi-weekly political newsletter.
Be First to Comment